Managing Toxic Relationships
“Toxic people attach themselves like cinder blocks tied to your ankles,
and then invite you for a swim in their poisoned waters.”
~ John Mark Green ~
A coaching client recently told me he didn’t know what a toxic relationship was and didn’t think he had any, and some people don’t, but it turned out his major relationship was a problem. In my experience almost everyone has a difficult, one-sided, or toxic relationship they are trying to manage. These are people in our lives who supposedly care about us, but don’t mind hurting us if it suits their purposes. When we played games with my sister-in-law, she would say, “Right after me, you come first.” She was absolutely not a toxic person, but her phrase is the perfect description of one: right after me, you come first. Here are a few signs of a toxic person:
• Passive-aggressive
• Bullying
• Controlling
• Demeaning
• Constant drama/ invents drama
• Lack of appropriate boundaries
• Persistent negativity
• Time/energy “vampire”
• Narcissistic
It took me over forty years with a toxic person in my life to finally learn how trying to “help” that person was a waste of time. These people do not see anything wrong with their behavior and have no interest in changing it. Even worse, their toxicity feeds on our efforts to help.
A relationship does not need to be toxic to be a relationship that is not worth your time. We have a limited amount of time to give to relationships. Save your time for the ones who you enjoy, that lift you up, bring value to your life, and whose lives you can positively influence in return. What do you do with the others? Try this exercise for managing relationships, especially the difficult ones:
• In the center of a full sheet of paper, draw a small circle large enough to write two to four words inside.
• Next, draw a larger circle around the small one, leaving enough room to write a few words between the two circles.
• Repeat this process at least three more times. It should look like a target.
• In the center circle, write your name and the names of the people with who you know you can trust your heart and soul completely, and who are a positive influence in your life.
• Continue to place the names of all the people in your world that you want to, or have to, associate with according to the kind of impact they have on you. The following paragraphs explain how to place your names.
There are a lot of people in my world. My immediate family is over thirty, and my extended family is another thirty-plus. I have friends, church friends, and acquaintances. I have longtime friends and new friends. I have Facebook friends, and I have clients who I have grown to love, but my inner circle has me, God, and Ken. My kids are extremely loving and loyal to me, but it isn’t their job to share my inner struggles, so they aren’t there. My parents and siblings are not there, either. Some people do not have anyone close enough to include when they do this activity—it is possible that the only name you write in the circle is your own. That is okay. As you work on yourself, applying Life Mastery skills, the people you need will be drawn to you.
The second circle holds the names of those who are very import- ant to you but do not belong in the first circle. They are the people who love you without judgment, in spite of your faults. My children are adults, and they go in this circle. I also have a few very good friends, who faithfully overlook my shortcomings. The second circle is not for anyone with who you do not feel completely safe, or anyone who tries to compete with you or looks for “chinks in your armor.”
The third circle holds the names of friends and family members who just miss the second circle. The fourth includes those who barely miss the third. You continue this process, adding more circles as needed. When you have an unhealthy relationship or a person who disrupts your peace, brings drama, competes with you, or you don’t trust entirely, but you can’t bring yourself to completely let them go, move them outward to a larger circle. Then, only spend the time and energy on them that is appropriate for someone in a larger circle.
You can download the Toxic Relationship Worksheets at LifeMasteryInfo.com
When you move someone out a circle or two, do not tell them or discuss it with anyone. This change is about how you see them in your own heart and mind. There may be some people you move out again and again, until they are no longer in your life at all. If you have a hard time doing this with parents or siblings, just move them out gradually. In the long run, it will keep more peace in your relationship because you won’t be storing pent-up frustrations and then exploding. This strategy allows you to keep people in your world without them hurting you or needing to have a “confrontation.” You can spend less of your creative energy mentally wringing your hands over the toxic relationship.
This exercise is for your eyes only, and to be effective, you must be as objective as possible. See your relationships as they are, not how you wish they would be.
A system for managing relationships is especially helpful for teens and young adults, who are very attached to their people and can’t imagine letting go of any of them. As we get older and a little less sentimental, we can deal with things a little more pragmatically. Young adults are particularly concerned with friends and family they love but are also beginning to realize how some of these relationships are unhealthy. As we get older, it is sometimes easier to see the value of completely jettisoning someone from our lives. It can still be con- fusing to know how to keep someone in our lives but not keep them close enough to cause damage. I taught a series about relationships to a group of adults who were mostly divorced and included this concept during the course. Some years later, I became friends with a woman who had attended that series. She told me this concept had changed her life.
You can download a copy of the Managing Toxic Relationships Worksheet at https://lifemasteryinfo.com/toxic-relationship-worksheet/